Update: Exhausted Slave

Hello E/everyone, it’s been forever since i last posted a blog. Let’s just say things have snowballed and my paths have taken many turns.

i am excited to say that i am in a wonderful place. Albeit exhausted at the moment because of a roadblock but wonderful place nonetheless.

Just a small taste…

my divorce is complete. As with any divorce, it wasn’t pretty but it wasn’t too nasty either. It was a needed transition and through it all, it was something that i needed to experience to bring me to this point in my life.

i received a promotion at work. W/we won’t talk about that though. Y/you see, it’s THAT promotion that is causing the most stress in my life at the moment… maybe another post 😉.

i moved. It’s actually kind of funny because when i moved. i left a house, a nice sized amount of acreage, to move to a tiny apartment. i didn’t bring much with me though. So my tiny apartment seems soooooo HUGE. Not complaining at all. Less Stuff = Less Stress. Clutter free and happy as can be!!!

Last but certainly not least, Master and i are still happily together. It’ll be “officially” four years in December. But W/we were testing the waters before then.

Hope Y/you enjoy the update!

Hope to visit soon!


30 Days of “me” – Day 1

30 Days of “me

Day 1 – A place I’d like to travel

To travel means to set off on a journey to another place, typically meaning abroad but my idea of traveling has significantly changed over the past three years. You see, to me, traveling can mean setting off on a journey to embark on a new adventure. 

Since embarking on my submissive journey almost 3 years ago, i have had the amazing opportunity to travel a bit and Y/you know what? i LOVE IT!!!!

Master has taken me to His home state. W/we are a “secret” so i stayed in a hotel and learned how great it is to utilize public transit… Über. 

Then, i had the ultimate pleasure of seeing a Big city through he eyes of someone that loves the Big cities. W/we visited Washington DC. In that one trip alone, i learned that i too love the city. my eyes were opened to the beauty of a HUGE diverse world and i soaked up every bit of adventure i could. i learned how to book a flight, i learned hotel transit, and the most exciting was the Metro. W/we utilize Über again and the experiences were phenomenal. 

Then to Nashville!!!! Of course i had been to Nashville before but being there with Him was a completely different experience.

He took me to Atlanta GA to run my first ever 10K for the Peachtree Road Race.

We have explored Birmingham Alabama and Huntsville Alabama 
i have experienced the riding a train.

Master has even taken me to New Orleans LA. Completely at the mercy of O/our feet or public transit.

Every single “Meet” is a journey filled with amazing adventures. Every single moment in His presence is an adventure.

He asked me once if i had ever done/tried something, i said “did You take me there; Did You give it to me, Master?”. Lol Truth is, in my 40+ years, i have lived more these past three years than my entire life. One thing i have learned is it’s not WHERE Y/you travel to, it’s WHO Y/you travel with. 

my life is full whether i am meeting him in a local town, traveling the United States or visiting exotic countries. As long as He is by my side, directing my path, ordering my meals, dressing me and exploring the adventures with me, i will be content.

30 Days of submission – Day 2

30 Days of submission – Day 2

2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

The person i would be submit to would have to be in complete control of Himself. He would have to be disciplined in ALL areas of His life. i require a lot. i am self conscious and i am excessively hard on myself. i battle with depression and anxiety so if He isn’t in complete control of Himself then He can’t be in complete control of me. i need His strength, strength that He gives me daily to push through life’s obstacles. i need His energy, energy that only He can provide to fuel me forward in the direction that He leads me. i need His patience, patience to calmly lead me me and turn my issues into adventures. i need His security, security to know THAT and where i belong. i need His presence, spiritually wrapping around me energizing me with His essence so that i may represent Him in all things.

i envision a life with the Master i am currently under. Maybe not the life i always dreamed of but now i see a BETTER life. A life of just “being“. Simply existing to serve and fulfill His every desire. To take care of Him, adore Him, support Him, encourage Him, please Him, love Him.

i envision so many things when i think of a life in submission to my Master. i see the usual vanilla moments that every relationship has but i see it with a twist. 

You see, my Master is in full control. i struggle with independence but i am at complete peace and contentment when He makes ALL the decisions.

Allow me to tell Y/you all a short story.

This year W/we had the fortunate opportunity to visit New Orleans. It was a first time in NOLA for both of U/us so it truly was an adventure. Master, of course, mostly planned ahead but one thing i love about Him is that He enjoys allowing life to flow freely. He didn’t sit down and plan a minute by minute itinerary, however i have no doubt that He did His research prior to the start of O/our adventure.

One morning He chose a “diner type” restaurant for O/our breakfast. i am completely fascinated with the 1950’s household (where women were women in all their feminine glory and men were alpha men) so i was super excited when i entered with Him (i was attached to Him like a small child hiding behind a parent). i sometimes worry what people think when they see U/us, in that particular place it took me a minute to center myself. He is always so confident. i love it!!!!! Anyways, the lovely waitress handed both of U/us a menu. i honestly can’t remember if i handed it back or laid it down, but Y/you see; my Master chooses AND orders ALL my meals. i NEVER have to chose the place or the meal. THAT is absolute freedom. That is ONE decision that i do not have to be concerned with. i just enjoy the moment, enjoy the meal, and enjoy being taken care of. 

So to sum up my answer to today’s question, i am a lifestyle submissive. i enjoy pleasing my Master in ALL things and look forward to the day my only concern will be is fully pleasing Him. i never imagined that i would look forward to being mostly micromanaged. However He does it with absolute tenderness, He is IN control but not controlling. It makes me want and desire to submit to His every word. Living a life of simplicity.

30 Days of Submission – Day 1

So i have been struggling with my submissive nature as of late. my mind tends to wonder back to my old ways of thinking and i regrettably seem to be reverting back to my destructive ways before my Master appeared in my life. He is currently under great strains with His own personal life and doesn’t have time to cater to me with the amount of neediness that i seem to require. Thus adding to the already compiling amount of loneliness and depression i am dealing with. Hanging on isn’t as easy as just saying the words.

Since i KNOW what i want out of life and i KNOW i am happiest by His side and at His feet, i thought that it would be a good idea to re-explore myself. my submissive side.

i don’t always blog daily but will attempt to stay the course and push through to complete the 30 days of submission questions in hopes of reconnecting with myself.

A complete list of these Questions will be on  my menu page as soon as i figure out how to do all that. i will also attempt to link each of my blog posts to each question as i complete them so both my readers and myself can jump between blogs accordingly.

What’s Your Label?

1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

This is a loaded question. For those that don’t know what the afore mentioned “labels” are, it would be hard to understand so maybe i should take a moment to offer some basic enlightenment. Click each “label” below for further reading. You’ll find i refer back to The Submissive Guide often. i enjoy both her dedication to help new and evolving submissives as well as her personal experience and opinions. Another page i may refer to is The Dominants Guide.

  1. Taken in Hand
  2. Domestic Discipline  This link also contains a similar find on Taken in Hand.
  3. Top/bottom
  4. Dominant/submissive
  5. Master/slave
  6. Owner/pet

Now, to answer the question, “Does your submission have a label? If you do not use a label, why?”

i AM….
a submissive to His Dominance
a bottom to His Top
a slave to His Mastery
a pet to His Ownership

i AM anything He wants me to be.

O/our relationship is not contingent to rules and protocols developed by O/others. O/our dynamic is O/ours. No one tells U/us what is right or wrong as W/we determine what is right for U/us. Well, He does. lol

W/we accept that there are specific rules and protocols within the BDSM community and would, when appropriate, abide by such rules but within the sphere of O/our personal life. W/we do not follow a specific set of rules. W/we feel that each relationship is just as unique as the individual and what works for O/one will not always work for another.

There are rituals, mantras, protocols, teachings and training that has been instilled within me and i have slipped. Just as i mentioned before, i feel like being a submissive is starting to slip away from me. Sinking into the depths of my own dark abyss i have learned that i need the constant guidance of my Master. His presence is a necessary part of my own existence. As His journey takes Him down a new path, new obstacles are before Him. i would love to be there for Him. Support Him and serve Him in all His wants/needs/desires, but my place is here, tending my own obstacles. W/we cannot begin a new journey together until this chapter of O/our lives is closed.

For that very reason alone is why there is no ONE label for myself, my Master or O/our dynamic. W/we are unique in O/ourselves and O/our lifestyle.

30 Days of submission Questions 

30 Days of submission

1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
8) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

11) Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

28) Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.

29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

30) Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

When Your Stregnth Runs Down Your Cheeks

i am tired. So very tired. i don’t know how much more i can take. i really can’t complain about work. It’s stressful, i am overwhelmed, the company lacks the necessary equipment for all of us to do our jobs not to mention we are all expected to do our jobs and the jobs of three other shifts. i go in and have to fix what’s screwed up before i can even begin my routine which constantly puts me behind. i am not the only one. we are ALL contemplating looking elsewhere for employment. Heck some of us have already quit, put in a two weeks notice or threatened to quit. i myself have threatened at least 10 times a day. But the fact remains, i am good at what i do and my job is enough to pay what little bills i have. It’s not necessarily a security blanket for employment but it serves the purpose.

i don’t eat junk food so that jar would be eliminated all together 😂.

i honestly can’t complain about my home either, because regardless of the circumstances or complications, it’s a roof over my head. i may question every morning whether electricity or running water is necessary but i do have it. i wish i could muster up the energy to continue the path my Master has chosen for me. i wish i could muster up the energy to get everything in order. Maybe it’s just the clutter that built up since i started cleaning up and out but it’s just seeming to continually get worse.

There are 3 bridges that i am currently working to cross. All of which MUST be addressed before moving forward. i barely have the energy. 

When i look into the future, i see what He has painted before me. i dare hope, i dare dream. But i have trouble looking past the dark clouds covering the way.

i can see myself with Him.
serving Him
pleasing Him
tending His wants/desires/needs
taking care of Him
elevating Him to the King every man should be in His life

i am a FIRM believer that if you take care of your man, in turn, your Man will take care of you. Maybe not the same way in a vanilla relationship but in O/our relationship, i can see my soul being well rested and fed daily.

Bad Mood

Day 2 of my bad mood. Boy did my drive home yesterday make a deep stamp into my thoughts. i don’t even know how the thoughts that are plaguing me came about. Was it something i overheard? Was it a song? Was it a residual thought? Is its fates way of giving me a warning to protect myself? What the hell is going on?
All i can think about is reasons to ask for release. 

i even had trouble faking my “good mood” at work today. One of my work besties told me i needed to just go home, apparently my mood was pouring off of me in waves. 

They are going to miss me, mood and all, when i am gone.

Work Training Complete

Training for my job is complete. Well, this portion anyways. Passed with a 91% accuracy. Wasn’t happy about the score because i should’ve made a 100% but when the computers are down, sometimes content is missed. 

my drive home was brutal. Entirely to much time to think. i am an over thinker and when i get something; a thought, a vision, a scenario, in my mind, my imagination runs wild. This was the case on my drive home. An hour and a half of overthinking. No matter what i tried to do to counteract my destructive thoughts, they just continued to get worse. Getting home didn’t ease them either. i used to hate Wednesday’s. Now i hate them even more.

i realize i am being vague but sometimes writing isn’t to enlighten others but to just relieve the pressure that’s been building up in your mind. i am so tired. my body, my mind, and my very soul.

Missing Him

i am once again holed up in a hotel room. As i mentioned in a previous post, i am attending training this week for work and it feels so very “wrong” to be in a hotel without Master.

He is supposed to be beside me, holding me while i snuggle up into Him. my only peace is when He is in full control and i can just “be”.

i want my Master, i can’t seem to blog from missing Him so terribly. All i can write is i miss Him. i miss my Master. i miss Him terribly. i miss His touch upon my body, His kiss upon my head, His essence in me, His energy surrounding me.

i miss the song of the beat of His heart. i miss the very smell of Him.

Everything that is Him, i miss Him.
There is nothing i want more than to curl up in His armpit, and disappear into Him. Entering into a state of pure bliss.
No decisions. no concerns.
Nothing but “being”.